10/27/2010 7:53 pm

Today I was delighted to see that you can purchase wine from Quiktrip. All that convenience teamed up with being able to get gasoline? Sounds like a classy situation to me. I mean, after filling up my car, grabbing 3 snickers, and a Coke, I feel like a need a bottle of nice wine. Where else would I go except QuikTrip? What put me into a little paroxym is I saw a 5 year-old looking at that shelf of wine. I could not care less that she probably has another three to four years before she will start drinking, I was worried that she might take all the good stuff. So I promptly went up to her, said back off of my wine, and sent her on her way with a nice shove from my muddy boot. Sometimes I look at mothers with three or four kids and just think why? I can clearly see that kids are at least a five year commitment, more so if you are looking to not get arrested, but why would you give up party time to have a three year old spit on your face, while your two year old is throwing its poo at the dog? You know what? Sign me up for a three year subscription to Sesame Street on tv. That sounds wonderful.

10/25/2010 8:27 pm

I have one thing to say today. My sister asked me if I really had a blog or if I just had an internal blog which I made with my mind....

10/24/2010 7:33 pm

Today, I realized that those SmartOnes ready to eat frozen meals, have decided to take upon the task of personally attacking me. I love their Italian Calzones, and guess what they decided to start taking off the shelves? MY calzones. I have nothing to live for. Hey, Hot Pockets, you might as well thank SmartOnes for making me join your business to fulfill my pizza cravin' needs. You know what beats all of you stinkin' pizza making jobs? Popcorn chicken. The chicken is saying ha in your faces right now.
I went to Burger King the other day, wearing my sunglasses. I was feelin pretty steady tight, when I walked up to the register to order. The cashier dude said nice sunglasses and continued to hit me in the face causing the glasses to come off. He ran and picked them up and ran away. My first thought was maybe he didn't really work at Burger King, but his flashing glow in the dark Sketchers begged to differ. Perhaps this situation did not happen, but I did break my sunglasses at a Burger King, so I would like to post an ad.
WANTED: TIZZIGHT SUNGLASSES
Please help me. I am in dire need.

10/22/2010 9:20 pm

I decided that I am going to purposefully fail at homework, so therefore life, if my parents don't get me a laptop for Christmas. I am not saying that I am a spoiled brat, but I think that my education depends on this. In my house, we have a little nook thingamabob that connects with the living room. The computer is in that nook thing, so therefore all noise travels to the computer. I often have homework and am one of those people who get distracted by constant noise during homework then get my anger out by throwing things at my dog. She is so far okay with it, but just does not realize it yet. Today, I was asked how to kill a zombie. Of course I said the real way, beat it with a rolling pin, stab it with a pitch fork, kick it in the shin, yell "Rip off artist!", then run away. I think that is the only way to do it.... yupp! that's the only way to do it. If I ever become famous, I'm going to act a special way. If I see a fan that is obviously not fitting in with the others, I will go up to them, give them a hug, make them pay for that hug, then sell the picture of us hugging to Us Weekly for lots of money, and claim that that big tub of lovin' micky d's follower is my new boyfriend. I learn from the best. Thanks, Britney S. Pears.
:)

10/21/2010

Today, I decided that I should become a hobo. End of story. You know what's annoying? Little kids! I went to a concert once where this little girl was in front of me. She would not stop singing. sorry kid, but if I wanted to hear a bad off key song I would go to a Miley Cyrus concert. It's funny how half the songs kids sing these days, they have no clue what they mean. Why yes, Sally, spin my head right round is about a merry go round! Schools should offer snack time during classes. I get hungry often, and start chewing on some random guy's leg and before I know it, eaten the whole leg and went wayy over my calorie in take for the day. I love talking to L. G. during the day. We have the most random conversations about tye dyed socks and Russia. But you guys are just jealous you can't represent Russia. Straight up. I have been busy lately being a hobo and can't get on my blog much. I am deeply saddened and promised myself I would not cry. I shall make a bigger effort but you know how us hobos are. Unreliable and painstakingly gorgeous :)

10/19/2010 9:04 pm

I have a serious problem with procrastination. I need to go to a support group or something. I am seriously endangering myself. It takes me so long to get on projects that I actually was excited for a full two seconds to do, then reality kicks in. Here is how my cycle of super procrastination goes: 1. Get project assignment. 2. Get excited for 3.8 seconds. 3. Decide that the project is too big to do, throw away the rubric and break out the Reeses peanut butter cups. 4. Realize that that project was important for some class, fish it out of the trash. 5. Do an okay job on the project, promise myself to do better, then promise myself not to get expectations for myself too high, because most likely I will disappoint. Why get expectations so high, when there is someone else who can do a better job, AND make it look so much more fantasmagical? I heard the other day that the age that you start getting cranky and being all old person ghetto is age 52. Unlike most people, I am not dreading becoming old. Simply because I am Benjamin Button's sister, Bennita. I am really an old person inside. Well not really.....I just can bond with old people so well. I love playing bingo, and thoroughly looking forward to being able to hit little kids with my cane, while throwing apples at them for Halloween. Which brings me to another topic. We need to have a serious discussion about something. Please, please, I am begging you not to be the person giving out the toothbrushes or denture creams to little kids for Halloween. I have been on the recieving side of those things, and let me tell you something. Little kids do not like denture cream or toothbrushes. But then again, who am I to judge? Have a ball, 6- year old Jimmy, making that snowman out of that denture cream! My personal favorite of a Halloween treat was the classic M&Ms because they were simply so easy to pelt at my sister. I also enjoyed cheating the kids from my trick or treat group by making obvious stupid trades. Why in the world would you want a stupid fake eyeball gum drop, instead of a King Size Crunch bar? Kids these days are obviously not playing monopoly enough. They don't get how to cheat people out of things. I am disappointed with little kids anymore. When I was growing up, I knew how to con someone in two seconds. Heck,I still remember learning how to pick pocket. Kids these days, here is a message to you: find a bum, get taught how to con people, and go out and get your King Size Crunch bars this Halloween. :)

10/18/2010 7:14 pm

Today, my L.G. informed me that her name does not make sense. Her name is Love Nugget. Where did the G in L.G. come from....? I had no clue what to say to her, so I just ran in a lopsided motion from her. But I cannot change it to L.N. because that would just change our whole friendship. So it's L.G. It stands for Love Nugget. Get it right.
I have always wanted a pet besides a dog or a pet. I decided that a pet lobster would be an appropriate pet. It's red for goodness sakes! How could you not want one?! I would name him Westchester, in memorial of my pony whose name was also Westchester. I have never really been successful with pets because they seem to all hate me and enjoy using my face for a chew toy. When I swat them with the nearest thing, (usually a remote or taquito) they seem to get mad and run away. So I have an aversion to pets now. But I sitll would like a lobster. He could be my new best friend.
I have decided that Hot Pockets can fulfill all of my needed nutrients. If you have never had a Hot Pocket, you might has well quit life now. Because if you have never had one, you obviously are not right in the mind, where I would suggest you go to a psychiatrist. Hot Pockets are amazing. I would make all of my friends hot pockets if I could. I have an extreme devotion to them. And lobsters.
:)

10/17/2010 7:59 pm

Thank God my computer has a clock on it. Or else I would have no clue what the day is. Or the time. I thought it was important to say that I have no sense of time or stability. I think it is funny how no one I know personally takes me serious. I was at the grocery store with my sister. She needed peanut butter. I told her they sold out to the mustard company, and that they will no longer be providing her peanut butter. She then continued to tell me stop acting like a three year old like normal and went to go get some of the good Jiffy stuff. You know what is an adult meal? A lunchable. You get like five things in those. One of those can feed me and keep me stuffed for a full ten minutes before I need more food. All of my friends know of my constant need for food. It's not an obsession. It's simply a relationship with things I eat. Again, not an obsession. Clearly.
Today, my L.G. informed me that she was traumatized by a herd of bugs that attacked her. I enjoyed hearing about this deeply and slightly suggested to her that maybe the bugs were all trying to combine as one to form a Megatron and attack her, then take over Tokyo. She, like always, did not take me seriously. L.G. and I have a special friendship. Let me review some of our best friendship moments:
x She was throwing up in a bathroom, while she stole my ponytail holder, and I yelled at her to shut up so I could hear Chelsea Lately while eating Sour Patch Kids happily. She yelled at me. Again.
x I often take things of hers that she still to this day does not know that I have taken. True friendship. (:
x I often yell at her for doing things that she cannot help like getting attacked by bugs.
I have seriously considered euthanization for my little L.G., but then was sadly disappointed when I looked it up and realized it was not legal in my area and or would be frowned upon if I did that. So I guess I will just keep her  until she either shows a useful trait or as a person that I can talk to about anything...I'm gonna go with the first option...If not, I will reevaluate our friendship and throw pumpkin cake at her. Happily. This is our friendship. I love it, but mostly just make fun of it.
:)

10/16/2010 12:10 pm

Today my mother made me help her clean her car out. I see this as a personal attack, as well as a form of child labor, and yes, child labor is still present today. Just take into notice about those 31 or whatever men in the coal mine. Child labor, perfect example. I just so happen to have a dog. A girl dog. So you know she is going to be a rebel by being overly sassy. She decided today that while I was cleaning the car, she would jump in and relieve herself in the exact spot that I had just cleaned. Thank you stupid useless dogs everywhere. You know what is a great way to raise money by getting money from idiots? That Monopoly game at McDonalds. That is mucho genius. I mean, obviously they get a bunch of 38-year olds that are hoping to win money by buying 12 large french fries in the span of a day. This plan is only smart for two businesses. One: Duh, McDonalds. (now that they are ripping money off from Starbucks with their new McCafe line. Oh, and newsflash nubs, it's only 30 cents cheaper than Starbucks. Way. To. Go.) Business numero two: Weight Watchers. Watch out, Weight Watchers, you're going to be recieving about 1.3 million new members due to the McDonalds Monopoply game. You stay classy, Micky D's.
:)

10/15/2010 11:59 pm

Have you ever seen those Laughing Cow Cheese commercials that continuously ask you if you have laughed today? Well I have news for you, Mr. Laughing Cow, I have not laughed today because I naturally hate the sound of children's laughter, and I am a spiraling black hole of depression. Okay, so that may not be true. Blame tin can awareness for that. Today is National White Cane day. I can't even begin to comment on this because I don't know if they are addressing blind people or not. Let's make this clear next time, National Day makers. The Social Network is a great movie, although it has it's slow times. I tried to tell the creator of Facebook, Mark Zucherberg, that Facebook was a stupid idea, and that it would venture and grow into nothing. I was outstandingly right. I know maybe 2 1/2 people who know what I mean when I talk about Facebook. Obviously, Facebook was not a success, but I still advise you to look it up because it does help waste approxiametely 3 hours of your daily life everyday. Today, while I was talking to my Love Nugget, she informed me that she only remembers about 3% of our daily conversations. I was glad to know that she took such interest in us talking, and she was glad to know that if she didn't start making a real contribution to repartees that she would be shunned and thrown goats at. It's a win win situation in my mind. I have to stop talking today because some of us have the very serious job of going garage saling at 7:00 am. And that is legit.

10/15/2010 5:00 pm

Today I was talking with my friend, which I nicknamed "Love Nugget." We were talking about my life long dream of having a talk show. This is clearly because my family expects everything out of my older sister who is aspiring to be a doctor, while I have acquired the dream of being paid to eat Pizza Hut Calzones while watching t.v. simultaneously. My Love Nugget (L.G. for short and laziness reasons) were talking about how I would go about getting a talk show. L.G. suggested becoming an Oprah like figure. I decided that road was not for me. Too intimidating naturally. Obviously, I could go down the model road any time I wished, but I decided that the fame and fortune would eventually get boring. Duh. So my only option left was to vent my furious feelings into a blog that is anonymous so that I don't get stalked. Again. Thanks a lot, Hannah Montana. I told you I would put that restraining order against you. Oh, I promised you. Next time, try to fight the Climb of security.
:)